The Gore Gore Girls

Forty seconds into “The Gore Gore Girls,” a woman is brutally murdered in an act of sadistic violence which one could only describe as terrifying.

            Except it’s not.

            Not only is the whole sequence sound tracked by what sounds like smooth jazz in the background, but upon panning back to reveal the violence, the camera displays a disheveled papier-mâché doll in the girl’s place.

            The thing doesn’t even look human.

            The script is full of spitfire dialogue that probably laid the groundwork for Aaron Sorkin’s movies. The only problem is the actors seem to accentuate the wrong syllables with no real enthusiasm at all.

            The showgirls murder prompts The Globe reporter Nancy Weston to hire famed detective Abraham Gentry to track down the killer.

            These two are iconic.

At one point Gentry, bids farewell to Weston by saying, “Stay out of trees.”

            Maybe I’m not getting something.

            The movie follows Gentry as he goes from strip club to strip club investigating the increasing body count and trying to wave off the mounting advances from Weston.

            This movie is definitely a gentleman’s experience.

            Scenes abruptly end without paying any attention to continuity. Music playing in the background is stopped without any notice. One scene goes from nighttime to daytime in a matter of seconds.

            For all of its cheesiness, beware. The film is graphic.

            In addition to the many exposed breasts thrust onto the viewer, there is an equal amount of slit throats and smashed eyeballs. The violence doesn’t end at decapitation; the killer feels the need to tenderize the skull, sandwich an eyeball in between the pulverized pieces of meat and then slice the eye like an egg yolk.

            Although the violence is laughably amateurish compared to the” Saw”s and “Hostel”s of today’s cinema, the creativity behind such acts of murder can only be described as disturbingly insane.

            I sincerely hope whoever made this movie is locked up somewhere.

            After the killer is revealed, Gentry and Weston hook up. The will-they, won’t-they couple of the century will!

            If one feels the need to be utterly repulsed by a movie, go ahead and watch “The Gore Gore Girls” for the ridiculous amounts of (you guessed it) gore and terrible acting.

            If not, “stay out of trees.”

Killer Klowns Kreep Me Out

“Killer Klowns from Outer Space” begins by depicting a typical Friday night in small town, U.S.A.: underage drinking, teenage sex and alien comets crashing into Earth.

Much like a clown car containing countless powdered jokesters, the comet crash causes an unknown number of Killer Klowns to be released on Earth and also apparently erects a giant circus tent in the middle of the forrest.

Upon encountering a random circus tent in the middle of a forrest, all of the characters remain unfazed.

The inside of the tent is littered with bodies of victims encased in cotton candy and hung up like Leatherface from “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” with a sweet tooth.

The clowns have a pet balloon animal dog.

And also a popcorn gun to attack their prey.

“Popcorn? Why popcorn?”

“Because they’re clowns, that’s why.”

            The graphics are ridiculous, the plot and dialogue is terrible and the actors are pathetic.

Amidst all of the ridiculous graphics, the movie still remains grounded in real issues – police brutality, gang violence, pedophilia – no stone remains unturned.

The Klowns terrorize the town as the authorities look on in blissful ignorance.

Huh, pigs.

Justin Timberlake must have been a fan though, because when one unsuspecting victim opens the door for who she thinks is the pizza delivery man, “Uh, it’s a klown in a box.”

Then as the Klowns go to a local bar, they are taunted by a vicious biker gang wearing jean jackets and handkerchiefs.

Don't do it, man

The big, bad sharks (or maybe jets) challenge one of the Klowns to a fight and the Klown knocks the biker’s head off, like a real life game of Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots.

And in perhaps what is the only genuinely creepy part of the movie, a Klown plays peekaboo with a little girl as she is eating dinner with her family.

Please, don’t get me started. This is my nightmares manifesting themselves on my television screen.

In order to kill the Klowns, one must shoot them in the nose. The Klowns then proceed to implode in the most vibrant, technicolored fashion.

The finale of the movie is a giant, candy coated explosion of fun times that should be had by all. I’m not going to deprive you of that pleasure here.

I just have to ask the Klowns one thing: why can’t you use your magical cotton candy ray for good instead of the powers of evil?

Who knows maybe we could end world hunger or at least be able to provide a free, tasty treat to every fan, in every sporting arena, everywhere.

Little People, Bad Movie

“Tiptoes,” about a man coming to terms with the dwarfism that runs in his family while also dealing with his newly pregnant girlfriend, may sound like the sort of quirky, romantic comedy that critics would adore, but it’s that straight-faced ambition to be a high caliber film that is ultimately the film’s downfall.

Matthew McConaughey stars as the main character that is ashamed of his family of little people and apparently has some sort of unresolved conflict with his brother.

The film, probably created to right some misconceptions done to the little person community, actually just seems to exist to show that little people also have sex, fight and possess the ability to yell obscenities.

Seriously, this movie contains a lot of sexual encounters of the third kind.

Look at him! His arms are the same length as hers!

The weirdest part of the movie is that Gary Oldman, who is average-sized in real life, plays a little person in the film. A good way to overcome any bias or pretense held against little people would be to actually allow one to act in the film. I doubt there is a shortage of any talented actors in the little person community.

While the actual emotions of the film could be poignant, this film seems to place too much emotional weight on the situation.

When one of the characters ask if a party was attended by a bunch of “midgets,” another character calmly corrects her and tells her to use the correct term “little people.”

That seems like an easy enough way to deal with a problem.

When the families of Matthew McConaughey and his fiancé meet, the biggest obstacle the two families face is agreeing on whether or not the two can have a Jewish ceremony.

Yes, they can. That’s that.

The problems in this movie could very well affect other people, but they seem like more of an isolated case. Not all people put in that situation would be ashamed of their family. Not everyone is scared or disgusted by little people.

The situations feel manufactured to create the most dramatic tension between characters. While this film attempts to craft an accurate portrayal of life for little people, I can’t help but feel like the movie exaggerates the prejudices.

While the movie tries to be an intelligent, thoughtful movie with a message, there isn’t any real conflict or problems that show that a movie was warranted.

Thanks for caring, Matthew McConaughey.