Troll 2: don't drink the water

*****Troll 2 deserves more than my usual analysis of certain key components of the particular movie I am critiquing.  Troll 2 transcends the "bad movie" genre or movies that are so bad, they're good.  There are certain key criteria that need to be met if bad movies are to become entertaining.  The most important of these criteria is that the movie must be genuine.  Anyone can make a poorly acted movie using a standard video camera and their own Windows Movie Maker software, but none of this would actually hold any entertainment value.  What the truly entertaining bad movies (i.e. Thankskilling, The Room and now Troll 2) and the just plain terrible movies (Legion, 2012 and The Last House on the Left) have in common is that all of these movies seem genuine.  Each movie is trying to be taken seriously regardless of the absurdity of the plot, quality of the acting or the ridiculous effects.  The movies that are truly entertaining have a boomerang effect where they go so far to one end of the spectrum that they eventually come back around.  I'm sorry to make this blog post unnecessarily long, but Troll 2 deserves some recognition for attaining the pentacle of bad movies.*****

I just want to get the goblin picture out of the way

Troll 2 is about a family from the city who go to live in a small farming community called Nilbog (Goblin spelled backward and "the goblin's kingdom" as it is later discovered).  Goblins run amok in Nilbog, disguising themselves as humans and running their own version of an anti-meat Westboro Baptist Church.

The entire premise of the goblins is the most ridiculous aspect of the film.  The goblins are vegetarians who prey on humans, which aren't typically on a vegetarians' diet, causing them to feed their victims some magic food that transforms humans into half-man, half-vegetable creatures with trees and branches coming out of their extremities (I'd love to make a joke right here).

The goblins receive their powers from a magic stone.  That's all you need to know.

The most logical part of Troll 2 is that we now have an excuse for M. Night Shyamalan's lone exception to the rest of his catalog of crap films.  Shyamalan undoubtedly stole the idea of The Sixth Sense from Troll 2.  Joshua, the protagonist of the movie and most annoying child actor since the Home Alone franchise, speaks with his dead grandfather throughout the movie, looking for ways to kill the evil trolls.

Eventually, Joshua and his family host a séance for their dead grandfather so he can help them fight off the trolls (I'm not lying).  Joshua is transported to the queen's troll hideout -- the one with the magic stone -- and he then touches the stone, using the "power of good" to destroy the goblins.  The entire scene would be incomplete if it weren't for a hilariously heroic incident where Joshua uses a double bologna sandwich to fend off the encroaching goblins (do you see what I mean about the movie being genuine?).

At least we can all rest assured knowing Lady Gaga will be safe.  

The Troll 2 director uses way too many close-ups, allowing the poorly trained actors to show how many awkward facial expressions they can display.

 The movie's soundtrack is comprised of the same few cheesy, pseudo-ominous synthesizer melodies that are  as recognizable as the Inception "Bahhhhh."

I think my favorite character in the entire movie is the pale-faced queen of the goblins from the above scene.  She has at least three different transformations in the movie: 1.creepy, pale witch 2. goblin and 3. sultry, seductive femme fatale in what is probably my favorite scene in the entire movie for the pure amount of sexual tension that was conveyed through my television screen.

Words cannot describe this movie or do it justice.  The brief 90 minutes of the film have taught me many valuable lessons among which that vegetarians are actually goblins in disguise, don't eat any food with green sauce/icing/coloring on them and stay away from towns that are actually "goblin" spelled backward.   

And, if this guy ever tries to sell you milk, just say no.