"The Happening" happens to be awful and hilarious

What’s happening with “The Happening?”

That’s my attempt at serious dialogue, but you can tell it came off a little flat or at least humorously awful – as was the case with most dialogue in M. Night Shyamelon’s 2008 attempt at a horror film.

Mind you, I watched the edited-for-TV version of the movie, so maybe the gore really pushed it to “Saw”-like gross-out levels, but my guess is that it just makes the film even more ridiculous.

The plot revolves around plants that have evolved to kill of humans. The plants release some form of poisonous toxin – carried by the wind – that causes people to stop where they’re standing like mindless zombies, eventually resorting to suicide.

Mark Whalberg stars as high school teacher dealing with marital or relationship problems with his manic-pixie-dream-girl Zooey Deschanel.

Whalberg is hilariously wooden, coming off whiny and childish whenever people turn to him for leadership, begging the question of why anyone in the Funk Bunch would to Marky Mark for advice.

There are ridiculous deaths galore, but unfortunately Whalberg and Deschanel are not among them.

And for every person who lays down in front a lawmower only to be chopped to bits seconds later or flocks of construction workers who hurl themselves off of buildings, I actually craved more wacky, over-the-top deaths. Anything is better than Shamanlan’s constant wide shots of shrubbery menacingly being blown by the wind. Anything.

I think Mark and Zooey work it out and they even pick up a kid somewhere (but I’m like you can’t just jump into these things. You should gotten a dog first and saw how it went).

Like I said the two most insufferable people on the plant end up surviving and I’m left questioning why we’re even bothering to with all this Green talk when plants are just gunna turn around and kill us anyway.

Overwhelming Al Gore/10 (take it as you will). 

The Gore Gore Girls

Forty seconds into “The Gore Gore Girls,” a woman is brutally murdered in an act of sadistic violence which one could only describe as terrifying.

            Except it’s not.

            Not only is the whole sequence sound tracked by what sounds like smooth jazz in the background, but upon panning back to reveal the violence, the camera displays a disheveled papier-mâché doll in the girl’s place.

            The thing doesn’t even look human.

            The script is full of spitfire dialogue that probably laid the groundwork for Aaron Sorkin’s movies. The only problem is the actors seem to accentuate the wrong syllables with no real enthusiasm at all.

            The showgirls murder prompts The Globe reporter Nancy Weston to hire famed detective Abraham Gentry to track down the killer.

            These two are iconic.

At one point Gentry, bids farewell to Weston by saying, “Stay out of trees.”

            Maybe I’m not getting something.

            The movie follows Gentry as he goes from strip club to strip club investigating the increasing body count and trying to wave off the mounting advances from Weston.

            This movie is definitely a gentleman’s experience.

            Scenes abruptly end without paying any attention to continuity. Music playing in the background is stopped without any notice. One scene goes from nighttime to daytime in a matter of seconds.

            For all of its cheesiness, beware. The film is graphic.

            In addition to the many exposed breasts thrust onto the viewer, there is an equal amount of slit throats and smashed eyeballs. The violence doesn’t end at decapitation; the killer feels the need to tenderize the skull, sandwich an eyeball in between the pulverized pieces of meat and then slice the eye like an egg yolk.

            Although the violence is laughably amateurish compared to the” Saw”s and “Hostel”s of today’s cinema, the creativity behind such acts of murder can only be described as disturbingly insane.

            I sincerely hope whoever made this movie is locked up somewhere.

            After the killer is revealed, Gentry and Weston hook up. The will-they, won’t-they couple of the century will!

            If one feels the need to be utterly repulsed by a movie, go ahead and watch “The Gore Gore Girls” for the ridiculous amounts of (you guessed it) gore and terrible acting.

            If not, “stay out of trees.”

Killer Klowns Kreep Me Out

“Killer Klowns from Outer Space” begins by depicting a typical Friday night in small town, U.S.A.: underage drinking, teenage sex and alien comets crashing into Earth.

Much like a clown car containing countless powdered jokesters, the comet crash causes an unknown number of Killer Klowns to be released on Earth and also apparently erects a giant circus tent in the middle of the forrest.

Upon encountering a random circus tent in the middle of a forrest, all of the characters remain unfazed.

The inside of the tent is littered with bodies of victims encased in cotton candy and hung up like Leatherface from “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” with a sweet tooth.

The clowns have a pet balloon animal dog.

And also a popcorn gun to attack their prey.

“Popcorn? Why popcorn?”

“Because they’re clowns, that’s why.”

            The graphics are ridiculous, the plot and dialogue is terrible and the actors are pathetic.

Amidst all of the ridiculous graphics, the movie still remains grounded in real issues – police brutality, gang violence, pedophilia – no stone remains unturned.

The Klowns terrorize the town as the authorities look on in blissful ignorance.

Huh, pigs.

Justin Timberlake must have been a fan though, because when one unsuspecting victim opens the door for who she thinks is the pizza delivery man, “Uh, it’s a klown in a box.”

Then as the Klowns go to a local bar, they are taunted by a vicious biker gang wearing jean jackets and handkerchiefs.

Don't do it, man

The big, bad sharks (or maybe jets) challenge one of the Klowns to a fight and the Klown knocks the biker’s head off, like a real life game of Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots.

And in perhaps what is the only genuinely creepy part of the movie, a Klown plays peekaboo with a little girl as she is eating dinner with her family.

Please, don’t get me started. This is my nightmares manifesting themselves on my television screen.

In order to kill the Klowns, one must shoot them in the nose. The Klowns then proceed to implode in the most vibrant, technicolored fashion.

The finale of the movie is a giant, candy coated explosion of fun times that should be had by all. I’m not going to deprive you of that pleasure here.

I just have to ask the Klowns one thing: why can’t you use your magical cotton candy ray for good instead of the powers of evil?

Who knows maybe we could end world hunger or at least be able to provide a free, tasty treat to every fan, in every sporting arena, everywhere.

Little People, Bad Movie

“Tiptoes,” about a man coming to terms with the dwarfism that runs in his family while also dealing with his newly pregnant girlfriend, may sound like the sort of quirky, romantic comedy that critics would adore, but it’s that straight-faced ambition to be a high caliber film that is ultimately the film’s downfall.

Matthew McConaughey stars as the main character that is ashamed of his family of little people and apparently has some sort of unresolved conflict with his brother.

The film, probably created to right some misconceptions done to the little person community, actually just seems to exist to show that little people also have sex, fight and possess the ability to yell obscenities.

Seriously, this movie contains a lot of sexual encounters of the third kind.

Look at him! His arms are the same length as hers!

The weirdest part of the movie is that Gary Oldman, who is average-sized in real life, plays a little person in the film. A good way to overcome any bias or pretense held against little people would be to actually allow one to act in the film. I doubt there is a shortage of any talented actors in the little person community.

While the actual emotions of the film could be poignant, this film seems to place too much emotional weight on the situation.

When one of the characters ask if a party was attended by a bunch of “midgets,” another character calmly corrects her and tells her to use the correct term “little people.”

That seems like an easy enough way to deal with a problem.

When the families of Matthew McConaughey and his fiancé meet, the biggest obstacle the two families face is agreeing on whether or not the two can have a Jewish ceremony.

Yes, they can. That’s that.

The problems in this movie could very well affect other people, but they seem like more of an isolated case. Not all people put in that situation would be ashamed of their family. Not everyone is scared or disgusted by little people.

The situations feel manufactured to create the most dramatic tension between characters. While this film attempts to craft an accurate portrayal of life for little people, I can’t help but feel like the movie exaggerates the prejudices.

While the movie tries to be an intelligent, thoughtful movie with a message, there isn’t any real conflict or problems that show that a movie was warranted.

Thanks for caring, Matthew McConaughey.

Troll 2: don't drink the water

*****Troll 2 deserves more than my usual analysis of certain key components of the particular movie I am critiquing.  Troll 2 transcends the "bad movie" genre or movies that are so bad, they're good.  There are certain key criteria that need to be met if bad movies are to become entertaining.  The most important of these criteria is that the movie must be genuine.  Anyone can make a poorly acted movie using a standard video camera and their own Windows Movie Maker software, but none of this would actually hold any entertainment value.  What the truly entertaining bad movies (i.e. Thankskilling, The Room and now Troll 2) and the just plain terrible movies (Legion, 2012 and The Last House on the Left) have in common is that all of these movies seem genuine.  Each movie is trying to be taken seriously regardless of the absurdity of the plot, quality of the acting or the ridiculous effects.  The movies that are truly entertaining have a boomerang effect where they go so far to one end of the spectrum that they eventually come back around.  I'm sorry to make this blog post unnecessarily long, but Troll 2 deserves some recognition for attaining the pentacle of bad movies.*****

I just want to get the goblin picture out of the way

Troll 2 is about a family from the city who go to live in a small farming community called Nilbog (Goblin spelled backward and "the goblin's kingdom" as it is later discovered).  Goblins run amok in Nilbog, disguising themselves as humans and running their own version of an anti-meat Westboro Baptist Church.

The entire premise of the goblins is the most ridiculous aspect of the film.  The goblins are vegetarians who prey on humans, which aren't typically on a vegetarians' diet, causing them to feed their victims some magic food that transforms humans into half-man, half-vegetable creatures with trees and branches coming out of their extremities (I'd love to make a joke right here).

The goblins receive their powers from a magic stone.  That's all you need to know.

The most logical part of Troll 2 is that we now have an excuse for M. Night Shyamalan's lone exception to the rest of his catalog of crap films.  Shyamalan undoubtedly stole the idea of The Sixth Sense from Troll 2.  Joshua, the protagonist of the movie and most annoying child actor since the Home Alone franchise, speaks with his dead grandfather throughout the movie, looking for ways to kill the evil trolls.

Eventually, Joshua and his family host a séance for their dead grandfather so he can help them fight off the trolls (I'm not lying).  Joshua is transported to the queen's troll hideout -- the one with the magic stone -- and he then touches the stone, using the "power of good" to destroy the goblins.  The entire scene would be incomplete if it weren't for a hilariously heroic incident where Joshua uses a double bologna sandwich to fend off the encroaching goblins (do you see what I mean about the movie being genuine?).

At least we can all rest assured knowing Lady Gaga will be safe.  

The Troll 2 director uses way too many close-ups, allowing the poorly trained actors to show how many awkward facial expressions they can display.

 The movie's soundtrack is comprised of the same few cheesy, pseudo-ominous synthesizer melodies that are  as recognizable as the Inception "Bahhhhh."

I think my favorite character in the entire movie is the pale-faced queen of the goblins from the above scene.  She has at least three different transformations in the movie: 1.creepy, pale witch 2. goblin and 3. sultry, seductive femme fatale in what is probably my favorite scene in the entire movie for the pure amount of sexual tension that was conveyed through my television screen.

Words cannot describe this movie or do it justice.  The brief 90 minutes of the film have taught me many valuable lessons among which that vegetarians are actually goblins in disguise, don't eat any food with green sauce/icing/coloring on them and stay away from towns that are actually "goblin" spelled backward.   

And, if this guy ever tries to sell you milk, just say no.

Legion: A Gift from God or the Devil?

"Legion" is sacrilegious, cheesy, melodramatic and absurd. 

The movie follows the fallen angel Michael as he tries to save a baby from unknown forces that are trying to keep it from being birthed. 

This is where the major sacrilage comes in.  The unknown forces are actually the holy army of heaven.  The movie claims that like Noah and the flood in the Bible, God is once again upset with humanity and trying to wipe them out of existance.  So basically, God wants an abortion. 

Michael ends up fighting some other angel (who cares which one).  He's killed and sent to heaven which is depicted as some shiny, flourecent eight-year-old's idea of heaven and not that of an intelligent, logical adult.

Legion's idea of Heaven

God then decides he was wrong about humanity and sends Michael to kill the angels that God had originally sent to kill the baby and it's never explained why in the name of God almighty the baby is the key to salvation.

As you can tell, the plot gets a little convuluted. 

Sacrilege aside, this movie tries extremely hard to be a good mainstream action movie. 

There's the usual action movie arch-types, inchluding the underdog protagonist who seems to be the nicest guy in the world yet still gets the short straw in life, the racial and social stereotypes that at first seem to be true, but are then undermined following some act of heroism, and  the badass action hero who arrives out of nowhere and speaks in cryptic messages.

The movie stars the guy from "The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift" as Jeep, the protagonist and protector of the baby.  Jeep is given most of the dramatic work including a fake and completely noiticable country accent. 

Excuse my little tyrade, but do the writers and director of this film think that country folk love automobiles so much they'd resort to naming their children after them.  And what's worse is that Jeep is named after the most dangerous and flippable of the automobiles -- no safety-minded parent would even consider naming their child Jeep. 

The movie's most ridiculousy cheesy moments come in the numerous self-aware, social commentating character soliloquoys as they wait for God to smite them.

"I've seen some people...who realize that the being lost is so close to being found."  Michael spouts that philosophical nugget as he is explaining to Jeep why he hasn't lost faith in humanity. 

Please, can someone tell me what that means?    

I don't know, but if you want more nonsense click on this link.

Legion tries too hard to provide some sort of religous and philosophical insight instead of actually focusing on being an entertaining action movie.

I guess when you try too hard to be a source of inspiration, you actually become a source of discouragement.  Words to live by.

The Last House on the Left: the last movie I want to see again

I am not an avid horror movie fan, but I expected more from West Craven. 

The premise: two girls (Mari and her friend) try to buy weed from a group of strangers, the strangers turn out to be escaped criminals, the criminals kidnap and rape the girls, and then unknowingly as they are trying to flee, the criminal's car breaks down outside of Mari's parent's house.

The parents then exact their revenge.

It sounds like a good plot that any current fan of the Saw movies or Hostel would enjoy, but the movie spends too much time focusing on the girls pre-kidnapping.  This is especially a problem when the movie is only around 80 minutes long.

I'm not entirely sure you could call this a bad movie.  I would define it as an odd experience that I am neither grateful I saw nor plan to ever see again. 

The movie features a number of violent rape scenes and mutilations, but it is the odd, non-rape, sex acts that are the most disturbing.  While the two kidnapped girls struggle and bang on the inside of a cars trunk, two of the kidnappers have sex.

This may seem chilling, but it is the fact that the male doesn't betray a single sign of emotion during this entire scene.

This all pales in comparison, however, to the infamous fellatio scene.

The mother of the now deceased Mari seductively lures the kidnapper outside.  She then performs fellatio on the (dare I say it?) poor guy for a solid 15 seconds before biting off his penis.  It is then assumed that the rapist/criminal bleeds to death from his injury.

I can't think of a more painful way to go.

Unless it's sticking numerous toothpicks in one's eyes while their skin is slowly carved off and then lemon juice is tossed on to their exposed areas.

This particular scene does have a bit of poetic justice however, being as the man was a rapist and he was relieved of his baby-makin' weapon. 

The movie ends with Mari's father slicing the last of the kidnappers/rapists up with a chainsaw.  And then, as the credits roll, all of the actors are shown smiling while soothing music plays.

Forget that the first 30 minutes of the movies played as some kind of anti-drug McGruff the crime dog movie.  Forget that the next 50 minutes featured an excruciating amount of hard-to-watch, violent rape scenes.  It is the last 5 minutes of credits that have me the most worked up.

Was this an easy affair?  Am I carefree and happy after spending 80 minutes of my life watching this? 

No. 

To Wes Craven: though I did not enjoy watching your movie, I would not even wish a mutilated stub of a sex organ upon you.